Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Movies That Suck: Illegal Aliens (2007)

I can't believe this got any kind of theatrical distribution.
Blame Jeff Burr for this one. Jeff, who directed films From A Whisper to a Scream, The Stepfather 2, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, and others, is also a personal friend of mine. We met at a horror convention in Pikeville, Kentucky (the reason why I even went to Pikeville is a story in and of itself) where he was a guest in early 2010 and we just clicked immediately. I must have stood at his table for about an hour, talking to him, and found that we had a good number of the same interests in regards to film. He gave me his email address, we continued to talk, and we became true friends. Seeing as how he lives in Atlanta, Georgia and I live in a part of Tennessee that's right near the Georgia state line, we sometimes meet at the Barnes and Noble in Chattanooga and just chat for hours on end. In addition, we often trade movies... well, let me rephrase that: I let him borrow DVDs of movies that he's interested in seeing, along with extras I figured he'd be interested in, and he gives me DVDs to keep or get rid of. Nine times out of ten, I get rid of them, because it seems like he just likes to unload a bunch of crap that he's bought and decided he doesn't want anymore. And when I say crap, I mean it. Some of the stuff he's left with me is mind-numbingly bad, to the point where I honestly thought I could feel my brain cells dying while watching them, as well as just a real chore to sit through. He's told me that I don't have to watch anything that he gives me, and I understand that, but when somebody gives me something, I feel a personal obligation to give it some kind of a whirl before deciding to drop it. Normally, what he gives me are bad sci-fi and horror movies, which is what I often expect from him, as it's what we're both really into, but sometimes, he'll throw me a curve-ball, hitting me with something I was not expecting in the least. That's where this film, which he gave me back in June 2017 (on the day before my birthday, no less), fits in. The absolute last thing I expected to get from him was a movie starring Anna Nicole Smith and Joanie Laurer, aka former WWF wrestler, Chyna. Yeah, it's a sci-fi, B-movie parody, but I still didn't expect it, as those two, especially the former, were the kind of tabloid fodder that I didn't think either of us would be drawn to (though, Jeff did appear in an episode of The Girls Next Door, that reality show about the Playboy Mansion, so what do I know?)

I wasn't sure whether or not I should put this an entry of Movies That Suck because, before you even go into it, you know that it's going to be bad. Moreover, it's intended to be a stupid, self-aware, raunchy sci-fi comedy, with the most low-brow type of humor you can fathom. Among other things, you have toilet humor galore, including a urination gag that Harry Dunne would say goes on too long and the villain using mind control suppositories; raunchy sex jokes, such as Anna Nicole's character try to figure out what a vibrator is, a guy staying face-planted into a woman's crotch for a long time, and a repair job on an artificial intelligence that leads into handjob jokes; eye-rolling references to various other movies and TV shows; dozens and dozens of cheap, home computer-level digital effects; and a complete demolishing of the fourth wall, especially during the third act, that makes you wonder why they even bothered going with an actual story beforehand. Because of that, I actually thought that labeling it with Movies That Suck would be too easy but, intentional or not, that doesn't change the fact that, on a stupid scale of one to ten, this thing rates a thirteen. It is so bad on every conceivable level that it really challenges the notion that nobody sets out to intentionally make a bad movie. In fact, as I've already said, I know they set out to make a bad movie in this instance but... God, my head feels like it's going to explode. Let's just get this over with.

In order to protect the unaware Earth from evil, marauding aliens, the Intergalactic League of Systems send three, shape-shifting alien agents to the planet in order to blend in with the populace and be on the alert for any intergalactic threat. The agents arrive in New York City in the year 1987 (damn it, why does it have to be the year I was born?) and decide to take the form of three voluptuous, gorgeous women. Heading over to an Italian-American restaurant, which doubles as a pool hall, and get the attention of Ray and Vinnie, two lackeys to the place's owner, Big Tony. The former, remarking on their amazing looks, tells them that they belong in Hollywood and, after beating the two of them up when they get too touchy-feely, the girls make their way to California. Three years later, the girls are working in the entertainment industry, with two of them, Cameron and Drew, posing as stunt-women and coordinators, while the dim-witted Lucy managed to get her own reality show. However, in New York City, another alien makes its way to the planet and possesses the body of Tony's wife before killing him and taking control of his organization. The alien, Rex, then begins stealing different types of high-tech equipment from across the country, planning to use them to build a Mega Gravitron, a device she plans to use to pull the moon down to the Earth and collide with it, destroying them both in order to make room for her own, dying planet. It's now up to the Illegal Aliens, one of whom has a personal history with Rex, to stop her from carrying out her plan.

For a while, it looked as though Illegal Aliens would be the last actual movie directed by David Giancola, a Vermont-based filmmaker who's specialized in low budget films since 1994, when he directed Time Chasers. He's produced and directed quite a few movies over the years, with some of his directorial efforts including Diamond Run, Pressure Point with Steve Railsback, Moving Targets with Burt Ward and Linnea Quigley, Icebreaker with Sean Astin, Bruce Campbell, and Stacey Keach, Peril with Michael Pare and Morgan Fairchild, and Lightning: Fire from the Sky, with John Schneider and, in an early role, Jesse Eisenberg. As you can see, he's managed to work with some notable people in his time, as well as given other up-and-comers their first roles, others of which include Chris Evans and Kate Bosworth. He also stays away from Hollywood, being content to run his production company, Edgewood Studios, which he founded right after high school and used to finance his films by shooting video of weddings, depositions, and so on, as well as doing commercials and industrial films. After Illegal Aliens, which was released after Anna Nicole Smith's death (her son, Daniel, was also a producer on it and he died during its production), Giancola used the hours and hours of behind-the-scenes footage shot on the film to make the documentary, Addicted to Fame, which begins as just a look at the making of the movie but soon turns into a cautionary tale about the dangers of celebrity. Following the exhausting toll that both projects took on hi, Giancola took a break from producing and directing, coming back in 2016 with the RiffTrax Live episode on his own film, Time Chasers, and following that up with a sci-fi film starring Sean Young, Axcellerator, in 2017 (at least, that's when it was completed).

I have never cared at all about those kinds of celebrities who are famous simply because of who they're related to, who they've slept with, who they've married, how hot they are, or anything of the sort. You know the people I'm talking about: Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, the Kardashians, etc. I don't give a crap about any of these people because they've never done anything at all to warrant their fame. As a result, I'd never even heard of Anna Nicole Smith until the mid-2000's, when an episode of her show was featured on this E! special hosted by Jerry Springer called The 50 Most Outrageous Live TV Moments. Among other moments like Roseanne butchering the National Anthem, the instance on Johnny Carson when a tomahawk throwing demonstration went hilariously awry, and Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear, it showed a moment from The Anna Nicole Smith Show that featured her "playing around" with a bunch of strippers. I remember not being turned on by that at all, as it came of as more gross than anything else, and I didn't feel that way about Anna Nicole herself either. As I started getting into other specials like E!'s 101 Biggest Celebrity Oops! series and The 40 Dumbest Celebrity Quotes, Anna Nicole, inevitably, popped up again and again, and I learned all about how troubled she was, as well as about her life and what she initially became famous for, both positively and negatively. While I first thought of her as nothing more than just a big joke, since learning about her drug and mental issues, the death of her son, and the paternity and custody battles over her baby daughter, I now see her as a very tragic figure, as somebody who was, for all intents and purposes, a decent person who simply wanted fame and fortune, got it through some pretty poor choices, and ended up paying the ultimate price for it.

I figured it was necessary for me to tell you of my personal thoughts on Anna Nicole Smith herself before we get into the nitty-gritty of the movie. Long story short, her performance as Lucy, one of the three shape-shifting aliens sent to protect Earth from evil invaders, is exactly what you'd expect, in that it's just her playing that caricature of herself that people became used to because of her TV show (apparently, in this universe, Anna Nicole Smith is a personality that Lucy uses outside of her real life). Lucy is dumb, clumsy, silly, and playful in a childish manner, and is the focus of the movie's toilet humor, as she tends to fart, pee, and vomit (though not in that order). There's one instance where, as the other two are having a discussion about the film's villain, Rex, Lucy is in the bathroom, peeing, and occasionally farting, for what feels like an eternity, and doing so very loudly, to the point where they have to shout in order to hear each other. She's also given lines like, "To pee, or not to pee? That is the question. I think I'll pee," and, after Rex's mind-control suppository is removed from her, "Why is my poopy hole sore?" Lucy does have some relevance to the plot in that she's able to turn herself into just about anything while keeping her human disguise intact, with the other agents having her become vehicles to use to chase after and battle the villains, along with Rex kidnapping her in order to have her become the necessary, missing part for the Mega Gravitron. Other than that, it's just an excuse to have Anna Nicole acting like a complete and utter moronic bimbo and it's sad, given how this film wasn't released until after her death. (Then again, she was a producer on it and is said to have come up with the scene involving the vibrator herself, so maybe she was cool with it.) What's also sad is that this was when she'd gotten a little heavier (though not as heavy as she was when her TV show was on) and had really gone overboard with making her breasts big. I could be wrong about her having had surgery but those babies look far too big to be natural.


The other agents, Cameron (Lenise Soren) and Drew (Gladys Jimenez), are just as sexy as Lucy (or more so, in my opinion, especially Cameron), but they can hardly be described as being fleshed out. Cameron is the tough leader of the three, the one who takes their job at protecting mankind the most seriously, and seems to be just as committed to her cover job as a stunt actor. She also has a personal connection to Rex in that, back on their home planet, the two of them were involved with each other (back then, Rex had the body of a man), until the plan to save their planet by destroying another came between them and Cameron sent Rex to prison. Her thing is that she loves to eat as much, though she's able to keep her figure because of her much faster alien metabolism, and she and Rex's target, Max Sperling, become romantically involved, the film ending with the them passionately making out, much to the annoyance of the cast and crew. Drew, on the other hand, is the more reckless of the bunch, proving to be quite destructive when she gets behind the wheel of a vehicle during chase scenes and being more than willing to beat the crap out of somebody at a given notice (she literally massacres a bunch of guards off-screen during the climax). She's also the most sexually perverse and dirty-minded, often tricking their A.I. helper, Syntax, into saying crude things by pretending like they're names or phrases, and she's also openly gay, willing to make out with either of them at a moment's notice. Because of that, she'd rather watch the brawl that Lucy, Cameron, and Rex get into at the end rather than join in.

Speaking of Syntax (Kevin McGuire), he's the one who monitors all data streams, communication channels, and such from across the world, looking for the hint of an intergalactic threat against the Earth. As a result, he's the one who alerts the girls to the thefts of high-tech equipment that he finds are necessary to construct a Mega Gravitron and, calculating that the next theft will be in New York, sends them there. Later, he also informs them that Rex will be going after Max Sperling, as he's the inventor of another part of the Gravitron. Useful as he is, though, he tends to go into way too much detail and technobabble in his information and has to be told to get to the point. And like I said, Drew loves to screw with him. In one scene, she assigns him a complex math problem, telling him to calculate the average number of water droplets in any rainstorm in the Amazon, multiply it by the number of positively-charged ions in the room they're in, and divide by the number of shoes found in trash dumps all across the country. He has no choice but to do this, and later, she tricks him into searching for somebody with the last name "Feltersnatch" and first name "Howie," (put it together yourself), and later, "Heywouldja Blowme." There's a point where Rex appears at the agents' home to kidnap Lucy and trashes Syntax before she leaves, leaving his control counsel smashed to bits. Desperate to find where Lucy and Max have been taken, Cameron and Drew try to repair the counsel, leading to moments where, as they fiddle with it down below, he moans stuff like, "A little lower," and, "Ooh, that's better," as if they're stroking him. Though they fix him, he's still not completely himself, as at one point, he speaks in a voice that sounds, vaguely, like Cary Grant, another that is supposed to be... Hawaiian, I think, and after that, he sometimes just acts completely drunk. And near the end of the movie, after a massive explosion leads into a montage that comes close to literally breaking the film, Syntax breaks the fourth wall and says, "Well, it's obvious this film's gone to hell," as if it didn't start out there to begin with. (Incidentally, here are some of the other people who were originally considered for Syntax: Stacey Keach, Bruce Campbell, Burt Reynolds, Tony Cox, Verne Troyer, and freaking RuPaul!)

The one genuinely entertaining person in this film is the late Joanie Laurer, aka Chyna, as the villain, Rex. The minute the alien comes to Earth and possesses the body of Big Tony's apparently abused wife, it's really fun to watch, as Laurer completely chews the scenery to her heart's content, often making crazy, exaggerated, and contorted faces and alternating between speaking normally to yelling in an over-the-top voice where it's often hard to understand what she said. After taking control of Tony's business by killing him, as well as shooting Ray for the first of many times when he asks why they should listen to her, she has them steal the pieces of equipment necessary for the Mega Gravitron. All the while, she's having the absolute time of her life, making smart comments about other people's pain, maiming Ray every chance she gets, and even sacrificing a lot of her men by blowing up a building they heisted before they could get clear, commenting, "Oh, man. This is just too much fun." Moreover, Ray and Vinnie come across her while she's squeezing her own hand in a vise and clearly getting off on it, exclaiming how great it is to be able to experience sensations like pain. Her zeal for all of this comes down to what happened to her when Cameron sent her to prison on their home planet, as she tells her, "You know what they do to you in lockup? They take your body away. They take away everything but your mind. You can't feel anything, pleasure or pain. It's just a great big emptiness. Do you know what you sent me to?!" It's a surprisingly tender moment that Laurer pulls off fairly well, as is his her motivation: to save their home planet, the star of which is dying, by destroying the Earth and moon in order to make room for it. Not only does she intend to do so in order to save her planet but also to vindicate herself so she can be remembered as a hero rather than a criminal outcast. Again, as much the film itself mocks her monologue about this plan, Laurer manages to play it much better than you'd expect. She's so single-minded in her plan that, when the last necessary part for the Gravitron gets destroyed, she kidnaps Lucy and uses mind control to force her to become the missing part. She also realizes that she didn't think far enough to come up with a way to escape Earth before the moon collides with it but, regardless, she's still nothing less than  ecstatic when it seems as if her plan is going to work. But, when Lucy turns back to normal and the Gravitron shuts down, it leads to an all-out catfight between her, Rex, and Cameron, ending with Rex getting thrown into the Gravitron, the thing shorting out, and exploding, killing her. It sounds like she tries to say, "There will be another..." or something to that effect before she gets blown up, but I couldn't make it out.

Ray (Dennis Lemoine) and Vinnie (Mark "Woody" Keppel) start off working for Big Tony and are among the first to meet the Illegal Aliens when they first arrive on Earth. When they walk into Tony's restaurant, half-naked, the two of them are quite pleased by what they see, with Ray telling them that they belong in Hollywood rather than in New York (which, ironically, gives them the idea for their cover identities) before moving in on them. Initially having his eye on Lucy, he instead goes for Cameron, only to have his arm twisted back and getting a punch to the face. Ray runs afoul of Drew when he tries to help, getting his pool stick rammed into his balls before getting it whacked across the face. Ray then stupidly tries to fight Cameron again and gets a series of punches to the face, before the girls decide to head for Hollywood. Three years later, when Rex arrives, kills Tony, and takes over, Ray, despite the fact that his boss just got shot, asks why they should listen to her. He proceeds to get shot in the side, the first of many injuries he sustains from Rex whenever he says or does something that annoys her, like laughing along with her, getting a getaway car that she doesn't like, and he comes close to getting shot again when he's about to ask her if she could maybe let up on them a little bit. After surviving a big crash during a chase, Ray comes out with a new zeal and appreciation of life, pledging himself to Jesus, before attempting to make out with Rex, which leads to him getting slapped a couple of times and shot, again. I haven't mentioned Vinnie that much because he's not as memorable until near the end and doesn't take abuse from Rex like Ray (though he does almost make the mistake of laughing with her when he's not supposed to, as well get beaten up by Drew again). Speaking of which, as the Gravitron is about to crash the moon into the Earth and they learn that Rex had no plan to get them off the planet, Vinnie and Rex decide to turn on their boss and help save the world by removing Lucy from the Gravitron. They get beaten up for their trouble but decide it's worth it when they see the catfight that's broken out between Lucy, Rex, and Cameron... until they decide they've had enough of the movie and walk off to get a beer. They're last seen enjoying craft services during the movie's fourth wall-breaking last scene.

Max Sperling (Patrick Burleigh), the inventor of the final piece necessary for the Gravitron, doesn't enter the movie until about halfway into it, when Rex kidnaps him along with it. However, the Illegal Aliens foil her plan when they, unintentionally, blow the thing up and rescue him, taking him back to their studio in Hollywood. Almost immediately, he and Cameron become interested in each other, going out on a dinner date, which ends badly when a car bomb destroys Cameron's vehicle and Ray and Vinnie abduct Max in the confusion. Along with Lucy, he's taken to Rex's lair on an island near Nova Scotia, where she uses mind control suppositories on them in order to make Lucy become the missing part to power the Gravitron, while Max is meant to ensure that it works. Fortunately for the two of them, Cameron and Drew figure out where they are and release them from Rex's control, with Drew finding Max in the control room and literally slapping the suppository out of him. Later, while Drew and Agent Valentine enjoy the fight in the sand between Cameron, Lucy, and Rex, Max just seems bemused by it. And when Rex gets knocked into the Gravitron, he realizes that it's shorting out and warns them that it's going to explode, prompting everyone to run for it. In the final scene, which the actors are obliged to do, much to their chagrin, Max declares he's in love with an alien and he and Cameron begin a passionate make-out session, which just mainly annoys everyone else.

Valentine (Michael J. Valentine) is first shown as a shady guy watching the Illegal Aliens when they arrive in New York to intercept Rex on her next high-tech heist and formally introduces himself as an immigration agent when Cameron and Drew have Rex cornered in a parking lot. Having overheard that they're "illegal aliens," he threatens to send them back where they came from, only for Lucy to show up and deck him in the face, knocking him square to the ground. That doesn't keep him out of the bus chase that ensues, as he sneaks aboard the one Rex is driving and tries to get her to pull over, putting a gun in her face for emphasis. During the struggle between the two of them, Valentine realizes that Lucy smashed his lips and he now has a lisp. In any case, he keeps trying to stop her, becoming more perturbed when she drives the bus right through a post office, which he says is a federal offense, but he ultimately ends up nearly getting killed when Rex crashes the bus into an oncoming train. He staggers out of the wreck, dazed but alive, and promptly faints. That's not the last of him, though, as when the Illegal Aliens are flying to Montana, he pops up in the back of their plane, claiming to have been back there for ten hours, without the benefit of a bathroom break. He holds them at gunpoint but he's forced to give the gun to Drew after she bashes his head into the top of the seat multiple times, hard enough to nearly cause Cameron to lose control of the plane. They then force him to jump out of the plane, albeit with a parachute, and after he pulls the chute, he realizes his voice has returned to normal, which he attributes to the head trauma Drew inflicted on him. He still has a rough landing when he reaches the ground, though. Valentine shows back up during the third act, when he and the military save Cameron and Drew from some spider monsters on the island. He then reveals that he actually works for the Department of Homeland Security and that they've known about both them and Rex from day one, adding that they were hoping to be led to the base (then what was the point of the immigration ruse from before?) While the girls go to stop Rex, Valentine and the men deal with the bugs, and by the end of the movie, he shows back up to enjoy the catfight in the sand. At the end, while everyone has had it with the movie, and Cameron and Max are making out, Valentine gives an overdone speech about how they've saved the world, as wardrobe comes in and removes his costume, including his own shirt, before Cameron finally shoves him out of the frame.

Finally, executive producer John James, who's also appeared in some of David Giancola's other movies, has the small role of Big Tony, the mafia-like owner of the Italian restaurant visited by both the Illegal Aliens and Rex when they first arrive on Earth. When Rex, having possessed the body of his wife, comes in and declares that she's in charge, Tony isn't impressed at all. He laughs at her claim, along with everybody else in the place, and tells Ray and Vinnie, "This is why I tell you guys, 'Never... get... married.'" Throwing some money at Rex, he tells her to go get her nails done and is about to go back to what he was doing, only for Rex to pull a gun out of her little black purse and shoot him dead on the spot.




This is one of those movies that, as soon as it begins, wears its cheapness right on its sleeve. Not only was it clearly shot on low-grade digital (maybe I'm just spoiled but this kind of look really brings a movie down for me), the first real scene is an effects shot of the Illegal Aliens flying through space in their shapeless forms and entering Earth's atmosphere. The CGI is among the lowest grade digital work possible and it never improves throughout, especially given that there are an estimated over 400 effects shots in the whole movie. The effects done to create Syntax's digital nature look fair enough, and there may be some convincing digital buildings and environmental effects that I'm not privy to, but, other than that, the rest of the CGI is truly bottom of the barrel, looking only slightly better than something you could do on your own computer using various programs. This becomes especially true during the third act, when the Gravitron is pulling the moon towards the Earth. You get shots of the moon slowly approaching the planet, the ongoing action on the island, and the reactions that are occurring across the globe, both during and after the crisis has been averted, all consisting of really crappy digital, blue screen, and matting effects. There's no other way to describe this stuff, and while I have a feeling that its look may have been a bit intentional, given how this was meant as a parody of B-movies, it's still horrendous-looking and makes my brain hurt. (I know they had a low budget, but I always think of how well the effects in Monsters, made just a few years later, turned out and that movie literally had next to nothing to work with.) However, when Cameron and Drew arrive on the island and are attacked by large, spider creatures, David Giancola decides to go for a more retro approach and bring them to life through stop-motion. Some of it looks pretty good, while other shots, like the wide-shots of them in the same frame as the actors, leave a lot to be desired, but I have to give them points for deciding to go a completely different route for just a little bit.



What really stumps me about this movie is how low-grade the effects work is and yet, there are action sequences and stunt-work that look quite big and elaborate. In the first scene, where Rex's men hijack a tanker truck carrying one of the pieces of equipment necessary for the Gravitron, you see a guy jump from his still-moving car to the truck's left door, resulting in the car going off the road, skidding along its side, ending upside down, and exploding. Later, we get a car chase in a series of underground roadways in New York that are akin to some of the car chases in The Terminator, which later leads into a chase between two buses, with cars getting knocked about, one bus going right through a small structure, and ending with a train crashing into the side of the one bus. And finally, there's a scene involving an attack helicopter and some military-style vehicles, with the former blowing up the road around them, causing them to swerve and collide into each other. Maybe there was some camera trickery used to make it look bigger than it really was (the blue screen effects are very obvious in some shots) but most of it looks like practical stuff and I don't think any of it was stock footage from other movies. Knowing that EdgeWood Studios is based in Canada, I thought maybe that was how they were able to afford these scenes but, according to IMDB, they were able to shoot in Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles, among other places around the world like Chile and Egypt! I'm not a filmmaker, so maybe there are some ways you can get decent-sized sequences like these in a low budget film, but it makes me wonder more why they couldn't get better visual effects, if that was the case.

Get it? It's a scene about loud urination.


I just realized that I haven't reviewed that many comedies on here, so I don't think I've made it that clear as to what my kind of humor is. To keep things short, I'd say that I laugh at just about anything from the simplest slapstick to the most clever wordplay, and I'm also not a prude when it comes to really crude humor. It just depends on how it's handled. For instance, one of my favorite TV shows is Whose Line is it Anyway?, which can get really raunchy in regards to its comedy (especially the revival of the American version), but I often laugh hysterically because of how well-done the improv is. I've also been know to laugh at some really blue standup films, like those featuring Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy. And I'll admit that I've laughed at plenty of farts and belches in my day (I'm from the South, of course), but it depends on how well timed it is. However, I must say that I've never really cared for gross-out or really low-brow, sex-oriented humor, where it's all about how disgusting or wrong the gag is, which is why I don't care for the comedies of the Farrelly Brothers (yeah, to me, the "hair gel" gag from There's Something About Mary is just, "Ugh!", without any real laughs). Because of that, the comedy in this movie mostly falls flat for me. I'm not laughing whenever Lucy is farting, playing with a vibrator because she doesn't know what it is, throwing up off-camera, or peeing and farting for an irritatingly long period of time while Cameron and Drew are trying to have a conversation. I also feel the same way about Rex's mind control suppositories (which she plans to use on them without any lube), the sex jokes that Drew throws out, the handjob references that Syntax gives off when Cameron and Drew are repairing his control counsel, the moment where, following a dive to avoid an explosion, Cameron awakens to find Max with his face in her crotch and Drew's hand on her boob, and such. It just comes off as desperately trying to get a laugh, like, "See how crude this?! It's funny, right?!" (I'm amazed that there are no instances of topless boobs in this movie, save for a moment that's shot from behind, so you can't see anything.)



Besides that, there's the type of humor where the movie thinks it's being all cute by going meta and breaking the fourth wall. The movie starts off with an animated PSA film about how the Illegal Aliens first came to Earth and later, there are instances where location captions get in on the joke, like when one says, "New York City... Again," when that location is established for the third time, and, after the aliens come back to Los Angeles, the captions suddenly turn into facts about the Hollywood sign before asking if they're overstaying their welcome. Later, when Rex gives her speech about her plan to Lucy and Drew, a timer comes up on the screen as she goes on, along with another caption mentioning how Oscar-worthy her performance is. And then, there are the moments when the fourth wall is broken completely, such as when, after Lucy and Drew have been kidnapped, Anna Nicole Smith goes out of character to complain to the director (whom I thought was David Giancola himself but I guess it isn't), who's waiting for the fart gag they eventually use, about why they don't bother to actually show her being kidnapped. She then asks, "Who do I have to screw to get off of this movie?", prompting a bunch of actors, including Patrick Burleigh, and crew members to volunteer, before they finally get back to the actual movie. As if that wasn't enough, we have the actors playing Ray and Vinnie deciding to leave the movie altogether; the Gravitron's blowing up leading into a montage of stock atomic test footage and simulations, with Syntax telling the audience how the movie has gone to hell; and the ending scene, where everybody is gathered around for craft services but are obligated to actually finish the movie, after which they half-heartedly deliver their last lines. I'm sure they thought this was funny but that stuff makes me think, why even bother with the movie itself, if that's route you're going to go?



There are some gags that I do find kind of funny, like when Rex is squeezing her hand in a vise and is really enjoying it (mainly because of Joanie Laurer's over-the-top performance, which includes asking for a cigarette afterward), Ray getting continually shot and beaten on by her, and the way Laurer goes for the gusto in her acting overall, but then there are also jokes that, above everything else, are just stupid and unoriginal. One that I couldn't believe they went with is an instance, where, while looking for Max Sperling, the Illegal Aliens make their way into their house and find that Rex has booby-trapped it... with a fork in the microwave, which proceeds to completely blow the place up. I shouldn't have been surprised but I couldn't believe they'd go for something that dumb. I also find Agent Valentine developing a lisp from Lucy smashing his lips to be really dumb, as well as pointless, since it doesn't last but for a couple of scenes, and Ray's short-lived spiritual awakening after surviving that really bad crash is a gag that goes on longer than it should. Near the end of the movie, when the moon has been sent back into space, a guy gets thrown out of a house in his drawers because the woman he was banging declares that, now that the world has been saved, her promise of not doing him unless it was the apocalypse no longer applies. And during that last section, you also hear someone tell the president that the Illegal Aliens have saved the world, followed by the president himself (who sounds like Droopy, for some reason), saying, "We may want to reconsider our immigration policy." Yeah, they couldn't make a movie called Illegal Aliens without going for the most obvious joke that title implies. Again, I know this movie wasn't meant to be high art but this is just stupid, annoying, and unfunny.


Even for a dumb comedy like this, the amount of references to other movies and TV shows is really egregious. Granted, the plot itself is a combination of Charlie's Angels (the first time the aliens meet with Syntax, Lucy calls him Charlie before correcting herself) and Men in Black, but you also get references to Superman (the first few opening credits deliberately rip off that movie, as does the first few bars of the music), Star Wars (a ship passes over the top of the screen, much like the Star Destroyer in the opening of the original movie), The Terminator (those car chases in underground parking lots and streets), Terminator 2 (the aliens showing up in a restaurant half-naked, akin to the Terminator walking into that bar completely naked), 2001: A Space Odyssey (after Syntax's control counsel has been smashed, he randomly says, "I feel funny, Dave," and if you listen as Cameron and Drew talk afterward, you can hear him singing that song Hal sings as he's deactivated), Ray Harryhausen movies (those stop-motion spider monsters on the island), and other movies that I'm sure I'm forgetting. I don't mind references here and there but all of these make me go, "Okay, I get it. You've seen a ton of movies (all of them a lot better than this). Can we move on, now?"




Like I said, the movie begins with an animated, black-and-white PSA (being projected on an old-fashioned screen in an elementary school classroom), depicting how Earth is vulnerable in the black, emptiness of space and that mankind is unequipped to defend themselves from invading aliens. That's followed by a brief overview of how the Illegal Aliens were sent to Earth by the Intergalactic League of Systems, their being aided by Syntax, and their deciding to take the form of gorgeous women, "Because really hot chicks have it easy!" After being told that they work as stunt experts in Hollywood when their not fighting evil aliens, we get the Superman-inspired opening titles, followed by the ship passing over the top of the screen, which has a sign on its rear that reads, My Other Ride is Uranus. Said ship nearly hits a blue-colored object streaking through space and it backs up, only for a green one to nearly slam into it as well. The ship then attempts to jump to lightspeed, only to get blind-sided by a pink object and twist and turn as a result, revealing the movie's title on its other side. The pink object apologizes to the pilot of the ship in an air-headed, female voice, and then, the three of them are shown streaking horizontally through the stars, with the pink object having taken the form of a pig, proclaiming, "I'm a pig in space!", and, "I'm not just a space pig. I'm a 'pigonaut.'" They then reach the Earth and fly towards it, only for the "pig" to remember too late about the atmosphere, as she catches on fire and hurtles through the clouds. It's then show that they've reached New York City, in the year 1987 (again, why that year?), and they make a crash-landing in a back-alley, which doesn't go unnoticed by a homeless man sleeping in a cardboard box near some trash, in one of several references to The Terminator. In the smoldering crater, the aliens speak to each other in their intergalactic dialect (despite the fact that the pink one was speaking English just a few seconds ago), debating on what form they should take. As the bum watches nearby, an adult magazine is blown into the crater by wind and the aliens, impressed by the visages of voluptuous women that are obviously in there, make their decision.



In a literal flash, they emerge from the crater as three scantily-clad, sexy women and walk right by the homeless man, as he seems quite pleased by what he's seeing. They walk out of the alley and across the street, to an Italian-American restaurant. Inside, people are playing pool and listening to the jukebox, when the women walk through the door and immediately catch the attention of everyone in there, particularly Ray and Vinnie, the latter of whom declares, "The eagle has landed!" Welcoming the three of them there, as they do nothing but just stare around the place (or, in Lucy's case, fiddle with her newly-formed nails and necklace), Ray proclaims that they don't get many women like them in there and that they belong in Hollywood. Handing Vinnie his pool stick, Ray moves in on them, trying to decide which one he wants. He initially thinks about going with Lucy, running his hand across her boobs (this whole time, Vinnie has been making the obvious gestures with his hips and that pool stick), before deciding he'd rather have Cameron. He taps her butt, which turns out to be a big mistakes, as Cameron grabs his hand, wrenches it up, and squeezes, sending Ray down to his knees, before he's promptly floored by a punch to the face. Vinnie then charges with the pool stick, only for Drew to come at him, grab the stick, shove it right into his crotch, and then bash him across the face with it. Ray stupidly gets back up and tries to fight Cameron again, but she catches his attempted punch and delivers a rapid succession of them to the face, sending him stumbling back into the wall. Cameron demands to know where Hollywood is, the scene ending with Lucy bubbly pondering, "Hollywood? Hollywood!"



Three years later, the Illegal Aliens have settled into their double lives in Hollywood, while back in New York, a lovely woman is shown walking the sidewalk, wearing a nice, black dress. At that moment, a red-colored, tentacled object enters Earth's atmosphere and lands in the city. It immediately targets the woman and takes possession of her body, and as the alien entity gets its bearings, it's obviously quite pleased with its new body, exclaiming, "Yea-he-heah! This is more like it." She then makes her way to the same restaurant the Illegal Aliens came across and walks in, demanding to see Tony. When she gets no response from anyone in there, she again asks, in an inhuman, bellowing voice, where Tony is, stopping the jukebox dead. Tony reveals himself and she then declares that she's the one in charge, adding, "So, if any of you got anything to say about that, you better let me know now!" Tony, recognizing the woman as his wife, isn't impressed at all and has a laugh at the prospect with Ray, Vinnie, and everyone else in the place. As the jukebox comes back on, Tony pulls out some money and flings it into the air, telling his "wife" to go get her nails done. He's about to walk back to his seat, when she suddenly says, "The reason you should listen to me is really very simple!" He turns around right as she pulls a gun out of her little black purse and shoots him right below the chest. Tony promptly drops dead and Rex asks if there any more questions. Ray, again being an idiot, pipes up, asking why they should listen to her, and gets shot right in the side, collapsing as well. Demanding if there are any other objections, Rex sees that no one else is going to question her and she tells them that they're changing the place's business model, "So get ready."



The film immediately cuts to a cargo truck heading down the highway, followed by a helicopter that's being piloted by Rex. Seeing her target down below, she tells her men to move in, prompting a red convertible to drive up alongside the truck, the driver jumping out and hanging onto its door. As the car veers off the road, getting flipped on its side and exploding in a small lot, the driver manages to throw the man behind the wheel of the truck out, sending him tumbling down the ridge, with Rex commenting, "Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark." She then orders her men to pull the truck in and unload its cargo, which they do. In the next scene, a delivery van comes across someone lying in an alleyway and the driver stops, perplexed at what he sees. Immediately, a masked man runs in, attaches a bomb to the back of the van, sets it, and runs off. The driver sees this in one of the side mirrors and he looks up to see the man in the road get up and run off as well, both of them getting to cover before the van blows up. Once it's been destroyed, Rex's men move in, remove the cargo, and take off with it. Elsewhere, two of her men are shown escaping a building with another piece of equipment. She's then contacted as she waits in a vehicle, watching the building, and is told that the payload is clear. The man then asks for her to give them time to get the rest of the men out but Rex pulls out a trigger and pushes the button, completely demolishing the building, laughing maniacally at the deadly fun she's having.


In Hollywood, Syntax informs the Illegal Aliens of the thefts, telling them that the next one is likely to be a research facility in New York, to steal a critical piece of equipment necessary for the Mega Gravitron that's apparently being assembled (said equipment is called the MacGuffin Device... ugh). They then depart for the city and when they arrive there, they're unknowingly being watched by a shady guy in a car, using binoculars and smoking a cigarette. After a scene inside Rex's warehouse, as she rejoices in her plan literally coming together, and shoots Ray for the second time when he laughs when she feels he has no right to, she decides to go after the next piece of equipment herself. The next scene shows the Illegal Aliens keeping watch over the research facility from a hotel room across the street, and while Lucy plays around with a vibrator she found in the couch, Drew gives Syntax an insanely complex math problem that he has no choice but to try to solve. Syntax signs off, and just as Drew gets around to showing Lucy how to work the vibrator, an explosion blows out the lower level of the facility, rocking the hotel. They spot Rex down the street, cackling maniacally and kissing the piece of equipment that she's stolen. With Drew remarking on the size of her breasts, they head out to nab her.




Rex's elation ends when she sees the Illegal Aliens coming for her and they chase her down the street... and by "they," I mean Cameron and Drew, as Lucy just casually trots along behind them. Rex meets up with Ray, but is not taken with the getaway car he's chosen, which is a white Cadillac. Declaring it a piece of crap, she shoots him again but gets in it anyway, along with a henchman, and drives off down the street, as the aliens watch. While Ray calls for help, Cameron asks Lucy to change into a car for them and she does, but as they drive away, Drew, like Rex, isn't thrilled with what they're riding in. They chase her down into an underground area, Cameron having to chastise Drew for messing with Lucy by finding a spot where she's ticklish, while Rex realizes that she's being followed. She tells her henchman to strap in, adding, "It's time for some good, old-fashioned road rage!" Driving like a complete maniac, she heads down a tunnel, with the aliens in hot pursuit, and the cars side-swipe each other back and forth when they catch up. Rex drives out into a street, nearly hitting another car as she does, and Cameron shifts gears in a manner that Lucy says feels funny in order to keep up with her. Another car comes in from the other direction and, swerving in a panic, it gets stuck on the curb. Rex swipes its rear end and the Cadillac gets flipped over on its roof and skids along for a few feet before coming to rest. Cameron and Drew stop and Lucy changes back to normal, having to tell them to quit sitting on her. Rex emerges from the wreck and runs for it, with Cameron and Drew in hot pursuit, while Lucy tries to catch her breath (in the wreck, the henchman groans that at least Rex had her own "airbags,"). They chase Rex down the sidewalk, to a door leading to the upper streets, but she finds it locked. Seeing them coming, she points and tries to shoot, but finds that she's out of bullets. Cornered, she figures out who they are and, after learning which one of them is Cameron, makes her realize who she is. Revealing that she escaped from prison and that she has a plan to save their home planet, Rex is about to be taken in by Cameron and Drew, when Agent Valentine, the man watching them earlier, shows up and introduces himself as an agent of immigration. Holding them all at gunpoint, he announces that he's sending them all back from where they came from, when he asks where Lucy is. Lucy then staggers up and promptly floors him with a punch to the face, inadvertently causing a distraction that allows Rex to escape. Cameron and Drew resume the chase and Lucy joins them, though not before apologizing to Valentine, as he lies on the ground, moaning.




Rex promptly commandeers a bus, throwing the driver out the door, and drives off, screeching maniacally and runs over some stands as she drives over a curb. Cameron asks Lucy to turn into another vehicle but she's too tired from before to make it work. Seeing an alternative, Drew leads them to another bus and tricks the driver off of it, telling him there's been an accident involving a bus and an old lady. The aliens then take the bus and chase after Rex, who's smashing any car that she comes across. However, Drew, who's behind the wheel of the other bus, isn't much better, knocking a bunch of cars around herself, much to Cameron's frustration, while Lucy is simply enjoying the ride in the back. Rex steers her bus around a curve, smashing into more cars, while Cameron chastises Drew for what she's doing, but to no avail. As Rex deliberately smashes through the tops of a bunch of street-lights hang over and suspended above the road, she finds that she has a hitchhiker when Valentine pops up and pulls his gun on her, demanding she pull over (God knows how he managed to get aboard that bus). Rex isn't intimidated and tells him twice that she isn't pulling over, leading to them struggling for control of the gun while she keeps driving, Drew is still causing havoc herself behind them. Valentine also struggles with the idea that he now has a speech impediment because Lucy smashed his lips, and while Cameron tries to remind the reckless Drew that they're supposed to be protecting humanity, Rex puts Valentine in a headlock, which smashing a couple of vehicles out of her way. He manages to push her back onto the seat, with her legs up, and the bus careens across the edge of the street, knocking over a row of meters there. On the aliens' bus, Lucy says she doesn't feel good and throws up offscreen, while Rex drives her bus right through some exterior doors of a post office. The chase leads to some train tracks up ahead, with a train quickly approaching and both Cameron and Valentine warn their respective drivers to watch out (Valentine, however, has to explain what a train is to Rex). Despite the pole coming down, Drew and Rex feel they can make it, but Cameron forces their bus off the road, while Rex's bus gets hit head on by the train when she attempts to cross the tracks and is forced down the tracks. Seeing this, Cameron admonishes Drew, who still insists they could have made it, while Lucy asks if they can go home before passing out. Valentine, meanwhile, stumbles out of the wreckage but doesn't get far before he keels over as well.



Following a short lull in the action, where Cameron tells Drew how she knows Rex, and Rex has some masochistic fun with a vise before they move out from the warehouse in New York, Syntax tells the Illegal Aliens that Rex's next target will likely be Max Sperling, the inventor of the last piece of hardware needed for the Gravitron, and who's living in Montana. They then fly a small plane to Bozeman, Montana, and en route, they find Valentine lurking in the back, hidden underneath a blanket. Again holding them at gunpoint, he mentions how slippery and smooth they are in their ability to travel all across the country the way they do, when Cameron tells him that they're trying to save the world. Drew demands he give her the gun, and when he refuses, she grabs his head and whacks it repeatedly into the top of the seat he's behind. Cameron tells her to stop, as it's causing her to lose control of the plane, and Drew again asks for the gun. Again, Valentine refuses, but after another round of bashing, he dazedly gives it up and she points it at him, before smashing his face again. Cameron wonders what they're supposed to do with him, when Lucy, to their amazement, says she has an idea, and in the next cut, Valentine is forced to jump off the plane with a parachute. Panicking as he falls, he pulls the cord and begins slowly drifting down, while Drew compliments Lucy on her idea. Valentine realizes that all of the head trauma Drew inflicted upon him cured him of his impediment, before he tumbles to the ground and, angrily watching the plan fly off, attempts to follow them.



After landing, the aliens make their way to Max Sperling's place on foot. There's a moment where Lucy, suffering from the hiccups, is told to hold her breath and she does... to the point where she falls to the ground, struggling as she's unable to breathe. Drew is made to go over there and pull Lucy's hand off of her mouth, and as Lucy gets to her feet, it soon proves to have been for naught. Reaching the top of a small hill, they see Max's place, which is a ranch home, when Lucy suddenly lets out a scream, explaining that she was trying to scare herself in order to cure her hiccups. Cameron tells her to stop messing around and she follows after them, pouting as she still has the hiccups. Finding no one in the barn, they move on into the ranch-house, finding evidence that Max had been jumped just as he was about to have breakfast. Looking around, they hear a humming and Cameron sees that it's the microwave, which has a fork inside it. They all run for it, managing to get back down the hill before the place is destroyed in a massive explosion. As they collect themselves, Syntax contacts them to tell them, too late, that the place might be booby-trapped. He then tells them that Rex has already captured Max and is heading south on the highway. Cameron and Drew tell Lucy that they need to get airborne and ask her to become a helicopter. Lucy isn't too keen on this, saying it's too hard, but when they tell her it'll get rid of her hiccups, she goes for it. She succeeds with flying colors, as she becomes an attack helicopter and it ends up curing her hiccups as well. Cameron and Drew then board her, with Drew making it clear that she's going to be the pilot.




We then cut to a convoy of trucks heading down the road, with Rex sitting in the cab of one of them with Vinnie and Ray, gloating how nothing can stop her now, while Max is being held at gunpoint in the back of the truck carrying the piece of equipment they've stolen. While Ray, who's driving the truck with Rex, nearly gets shoot again when he comes close to asking if she could ease up on them, the Illegal Aliens come upon the convoy from behind. Drew pilots Lucy into position and they start firing on the vehicles with missiles, causing explosions that force one truck off the road, while Max is shaken about in the back of the one he's in, and Rex wonders what's going on. Their cargo container gets blown off of them and one truck slams into the one carrying Max, as Rex tries to contact her men to find out what's happening. Cameron tries to get Drew to be more careful, telling her Max is in one of the trucks, but she simply says, "You know, don't ruin it for me." Lucy continues unloading missiles on the highway, causing the main truck to swerve in a manner to where its cab is at a right angle to its cargo. The truck behind it gets caught beneath the cargo and they come to a complete stop. Seeing their chance, Cameron and Drew make their way to the ground and rush to the wreckage. Vinnie tries to stop them but Drew kicks his gun out of his hand, and when he goes for a punch, Drew doesn't even flinch when he socks her in the gut. She, in turn, grabs him and gives him a hard waste bump right in the crotch. Cameron jumps into the container where Max is being held, incapacitates the guard there, and sees to Max. Before she can really explain who she is, Max sees that the device is overheating, possibly due to a rupture from the explosion, and is going to blow up itself. They quickly run for it, warning Drew what's going to happen, and all of them, including Lucy, escape before it goes critical and explodes. The three of them end up in a heap on the side of the road, with Drew's hands lying on Cameron's breasts and Max face-planted into her crotch. Once they regain consciousness, and see that the device has been destroyed, Cameron signals for Lucy to pick them up, while Rex emerges from her wrecked truck and sees them fly off. After Ray stumbles out of the wreck, has his spiritual reawakening, which involves two instances of him and Rex making out before she shoots him three more times, Rex declares, "I'm not through with you yet, Illegal Aliens. I'm not through with you yet!"



The aliens return to Los Angeles with Max, where they plan to keep him safe for a while. Cameron uses the opportunity to go out on a date with him, which goes well, until they attempt to head out for dessert. She attempts to unlock her car from across the street, only for it to blow up, knocking them both to the ground, and giving Vinnie and Ray, whom promptly show up, time to drag Max away, incapacitating him with a taser in the process. Meanwhile, at their home, Drew, who's making repairs to their car, thinks she hears Lucy coming up behind her, only for Rex to bash her over the head and floor her instantly. After snarling about how she's had it up to here with them, and admiring their car, Rex walks into the room where Syntax is kept and proceeds to smash his control counsel to bits with a large, edged weapon. Once she's finished, and watches as Syntax appears to be on the verge of permanently shutting down, Rex tells him, "CPU later," drops the weapon, and leaves. Cameron later stumbles back home to find no sign of Lucy and Drew locked in the car's trunk. Letting her out, she tells her what happened to Max, and when they wonder where Lucy is, they hear Syntax tell them, in a weak, shaky voice, that Rex took her as well. Rushing to his control room, they find his nearly destroyed counsel and he explains that Rex attempted to destroy him. Drew asks where Rex took Lucy and Max but Syntax says that he can't compute in this state and that he needs repairs. With no choice but to try to fix him, even though they know nothing about electronics, the two of them prepare to begin repairs, Syntax telling them that he'll give them instructions.




Following the moment where Anna Nicole Smith threatens to leave the movie over being upset that her abduction wasn't shown, Lucy and Max wake up in Rex's new hideout, where she tells them what her plan is, why she brought them there, and shows them the mind control suppositories she plans to use in order to ensure their cooperation. While Cameron and Drew try to repair Syntax, at Rex's base, which we're shown is disguised as a liquid cheese factory on a small island, the now obedient Lucy and Max are taken to their respective spots: Ray, despite still being badly injured and that she could go herself, takes Lucy down to the quarry where the Mega Gravitron is in order to turn herself into the last necessary part and connect herself to it, while Max is kept in the control room to operate the Gravitron. As Ray guides Lucy to the quarry, Max activates the Gravitron's system and Rex tells him to set the target as the moon. He does so with a device that's clearly based on an old-fashioned video game peripheral (though its name escapes me at the moment), locking the computer onto the target. Reaching the Gravitron, Ray puts Lucy into position and she transforms, which utterly amazes him. With everything ready, Max powers up the Gravitron and it fires a beam up into the sky, which makes contact with the moon and begins to slowly pull it to the planet's surface. Ecstatic that her plan appears to be working perfectly, Rex laughs maniacally, while those down in the quarry look up to see what it is the machine is doing. Back at the Illegal Aliens' hideout, they've almost fixed Syntax, and Drew runs to get some pliers, when she hears reports on the radio of major disasters across the entire planet. Running to the living room, she flips the TV on and sees a news report about the situation, which the caster adds to by reporting that the moon is heading towards Earth. The TV switches to live footage of the moon doing so and Drew realizes that it's Rex. Rushing back into the control room, Drew gives Cameron the pliers and she makes the final adjustments, bringing Syntax back online, though he tends to shift personalities and voices here and there. Cameron tells him what's going on and, after some searching, he pinpoints the location as a small island off the coast of Nova Scotia and that the Gravitron is specifically at the bottom of a quarry.



As the whole world begins to panic as the moon edges closer and closer to collision, on the island, Ray and Vinnie come to realize that Rex has no plan to get them off of the planet before it's destroyed, though she's not bothered by it in the slightest. Using a helicopter, Cameron and Drew fly out to the island and en route, Syntax contacts, albeit acting completely drunk. Rex is told of the helicopter and, figuring that her men would only get their asses handed to them, she decides to arrange for some "very special friends" to deal with them. She contacts these friends on her walkie-talkie, speaking in an alien language to them, and quick shot in their lair reveals that, whatever these things are, they have long arms with insect claws at the end. Elsewhere, Cameron and Lucy disembark from the helicopter, with Syntax guiding them to the Gravitron. He suddenly stops them, telling them that he's picking up some strange "heat signatures" near them. While Cameron tries to make Syntax explain exactly what and where the signatures are, Drew already knows, seeing a bunch of large, hideous, spider-like creatures crawling out of large crevices in the rocks towards them. Getting Cameron's attention, she breaks off communication with the still very drunk Syntax, as the spider monsters continue emerging from their lair, with one of them turning off a TV that's playing The Anna Nicole Smith Show before heading out. Not knowing what to do about the monsters, Drew and Cameron feebly tell them to sit and play dead respectively, but to no avail. Just as it seems like they're doomed, one of the monsters is blown up by a rocket that comes out of nowhere. That's when Agent Valentine reappears on a nearby dune, telling them that he actually works for the Department of Homeland Security and that they knew about them and Rex from day one. More spiders are blown up, thanks to a squadron on oncoming fighter copters in the air, and Valentine tells them that, while he and his reinforcements deal with them, they should go stop the Gravitron. The girls rush off to do so, as Valentine and the choppers continue cleaning house with the arachnids.




As the moon gets closer and closer, Cameron and Drew come upon the building where the control room is housed. Drew is ready to go charging in but Cameron stops her, telling her that there are guards everywhere and probably more in the control room. She tells her that she'll deal with Rex, while she should find Max and shut the Gravitron down. The two of them split up, Drew running up the stairs leading to a walkway along the building while Cameron heads for the quarry. When Drew runs into a guard, she disarms him by flashing her boobs and bashing him in the face when he's stunned at what he sees. Down in the quarry, Vinnie and Ray decide they don't want to die and attempt to shut the Gravitron down themselves by pressing every button they can find. Back at the main building, Drew comes across a big, burly guy guarding the door to the control room and is ready to fight him but, to her confusion, he tells her it's the end of his shift and simply walks off. Not making a big deal about it, she walks through the door and pretends to be lost to distract one of the guards there, flooring him with a kick to the head when she gets the chance. She then proceeds to attack the other guards there, and down in the quarry, Rex is told what's happening. She tells them to try to hold Drew off a little longer and, listening to the sounds of chaos and men yelling in pain over the walkie-talkie, with the one guy describing in detail the pain she's inflicting on him (which includes hitting him with a hockey stick, breaking his shins, coming at him with a chainsaw, and stomping on his testicles), Rex can't help but revel in it. There's even a point where the guy thinks Drew is going to give him mercy, only to beat on him some more, prompting him to yell, "Oh, you lying dog!", which is followed by the sounds of gunfire, breaking, and crunching. By this point, the moon is coming down above Mt. Rushmore, while back at the island, Drew, after finishing up massacring everyone, snaps Max out of his trance by slapping him on the back of his head, causing him to void the suppository. Horrified at the carnage around him, Max is pulled outside by Drew as they make their way to the quarry (he might want to get rid of the used suppository in his pants first, don't you think?). In Egypt, people are freaking out at the sight of the descending moon, while the newscaster who first reported on the situation figures that, since it looks it's all over, he might as well clear some things up and admit that some of the things that have been said about him were true... though, not the one with the cat.




At the Gravitron, Vinnie manages to make Lucy get rid of her suppository and transform back into herself, effectively shutting the machine down. Coming to her senses, Lucy is angry about her "poopy hole" being sore and Vinnie and Ray point to Rex nearby. After taking out her frustration on Ray, while putting Vinnie through a kinetic Three Stooges routine, Lucy charges at Rex, who earlier had yelled, "Bring it on, sister!" She tackles her to the ground and the two of them begin struggling and grappling with each other, and as Drew and Max continue making their way down there, Cameron already gets there. She sees the fight, which Lucy is actually winning, as she has Rex in a headlock and is putting her legs around her from behind, and rushes over there. She tries to pull Lucy off of Rex but Lucy can't be deterred, and Cameron ends up getting pulled into the fight herself. After composing themselves, Ray and Vinnie spot the fight as well, while Drew and Max show up to see the Gravitron shorting out, resulting in the moon drifting back into its orbit. People begin to celebrate around the world, including in Washington, London, Egypt, and New York, while on the island, an all-out brawl has broken out in the sand between Lucy, Cameron, and Rex. Vinnie and Ray are quite pleased by what they're seeing, while Max wonders if they should help them and Drew, who's enjoying the fight herself, says they can take care of themselves. As the fight, which includes grappling, punching, limb twisting, choke-holds, and even biting, progresses, Ray eventually decides he's had enough and he and Vinnie head out to go get a beer. They tell Drew and Max that they're quitting the movie as they leave, while Valentine shows up to watch the fight himself. Cameron and Lucy then pick Rex off of the ground and throw her forward, causing her to slam into the side of the Gravitron. The equipment begins sparking and shorting out, with a red glow building below the dish. Cameron shields Lucy's eyes as Rex yells as she's slowly electrocuted, when Max sees sparks coming out of the tip of the dish's center and a white light begins to emit from all sections of it. He warns them that the Gravitron is going to blow (Valentine says, "Every good movie ends with an explosion,) and they all run for it, prompting Ray and Vinnie, who are casually walking down the path, to haul ass as well. The Gravitron then explodes in a fireball that engulfs the entire middle of the island, leading into a montage of atomic test footage and what looks like stock clips from some old action movies (I also swear I heard that yell Howard Dean gave off during that rally in 2004 at one point). The reel eventually breaks and Syntax proclaims that the movie has gone to hell.


The last scene has all of the actors preparing to partake in some craft services, when the director tells them that they need to finish the movie. They all then half-heartedly to do so, with Cameron proclaiming that they've saved the world from another "nefarious" alien and while Drew jumps and yells in joy, Lucy goes, "Hooray, hooray, hooray," in the most bored manner possible. Drew then tells Lucy that she's glad she's safe and Lucy just says, "I bet." Drew goes to join the others and Lucy and Cameron about to do so as well, when Max mentions, "The kiss," pulls Cameron back, and proclaims that he's in love with an alien. After telling Cameron that it's her, the two of them kiss and it quickly turns into a hot makeout session. Valentine then makes a speech about how the girls have proven themselves to be worthy citizens, that they've saved the world, and that he hopes they meet again in the future, all while his wardrobe is removed and Cameron ultimately pushes him out of the screen. The director asks for somebody to break Cameron and Max up and declares, "And that's a wrap... on my career." The movie then ends with a cast roundup, outtakes that play over the credits, and a final gag with one of the spider monsters breaking out of some rumble, saying in her own language that she will avenge her children and that the Illegal Aliens will die.

The film's main music score was produced by Edgewood Studios Music Publishing, rather than an actual composer (although someone was hired to create some additional music) and there are a plethora of songs on the soundtrack. David Giancola wanted to use a bunch of songs from the 80's but they proved to be too expensive, so we instead get a bunch of modern, bubblegum style pop songs that, in a way, fit this kind of movie more. The songs and the music itself are fine and compliment their scenes well enough, but they're nothing amazing by any means (that said, though, the Illegal Aliens' main theme, which you first hear when they take their human forms upon arriving, is fairly memorable). In fact, the only song that I remember that well is the one with the lyric, "Come and get your poison," because it plays over the DVD's main menu and felt appropriate, considering what I was about to subject myself to.

I'm sure there are people out there who can get some genuine entertainment out of Illegal Aliens but, for me, the movie's intentionally low-browness doesn't work. Admittedly, the film does have its moments, like having a lot of hot women on display, Joanie Laurer being quite entertaining to watch, some surprisingly big action sequences, nice use of stop-motion in one instance, a few jokes and gags that do land, and okay music, but on the whole, it comes off as stupid. The constant references to other things are tiresome, to say the least; the acting sucks for the most part; Anna Nicole Smith is made out to be a stupid, clumsy, flatulent bimbo, which is sad, considering that this was the last thing she ever did; the breaking of the fourth wall during the third act makes me wonder why they even bothered starting off like they were doing an actual narrative; the special effects are horrifically cheap and shoddy; and, most of all, I find the humor to either be eye-rolling in how dumb and obvious it is or toilet and grossout humor, which I'm not that big a fan of. Some of these negatives may have been intentional, given how the film was intended as a sendup, and it could be that I've been spoiled by too many glossy, multi-million dollar movies, but if I want a sci-fi, B-movie parody, I'd rather watch Men in Black or Galaxy Quest.