Movies That Suck/Franchises: Jaws. Jaws 3 (1983)

When I came across this on the Sci-Fi Channel one day, I didn't even know at first that this was a Jaws movie. I just assumed it was some random horror movie about a shark terrorizing a water park. I think I'd seen the first two films as well as Jaws: The Revenge before I saw this one and since this is the only one that has no scenes on Amity or any cast members from the original, it didn't look like a Jaws movie to me. If I hadn't heard the legendary shark theme play, I would have never known. I didn't even know that it was originally in 3-D until I did a little research on it after seeing it. My opinion of it the first time I saw it has remained unchanged to today: while the movie is not out and out horrible, it remains my least favorite film of the franchise.

A new SeaWorld park is preparing to open in Florida, its main attraction being a series of underwater tunnels that snake throughout a man-made lagoon. However, a mechanic disappears while fixing a gate into the ocean that came off the rails for some reason. Mike Brody, the now adult son of Chief Martin Brody from the first two films, is the chief engineer at the park and the senior marine biologist, Katherine Morgan, is his girlfriend. While searching for mechanic in the lagoon, the two are attacked by a ten-foot great white shark. While the park's owner, Calvin Bouchard, and a visiting big game hunter, Phillip FitzRoyce, at first intend to kill the animal, Kay suggests that if they manage to catch it and keep it alive, they'd be famous for being the only facility in the world with a captive great white shark. They eventually manage to capture the shark but it dies after being put on display. When the mangled body of the missing mechanic turns up, everyone discovers from the state of the corpse that the shark they caught was a baby and the real killer, its 35-foot long mother, is inside the park. Before long, the enormous creature goes on a rampage throughout the park, injuring many people and causing a malfunction that traps a bunch of tourists inside the underwater tunnels. Now Brody and the others must save the trapped people as well as kill the shark.

Jaws 3 was originally meant to be a comedy spoof called Jaws 3, People 0, with the script written by John Hughes and Todd Carroll, who had just written Animal House, and Joe Dante was going to be the director. However, Universal didn't like the idea of a spoof and, along with new producer Alan Landsburg replacing the original ones, Richard Zanuck and David Brown, set out to make another serious film. Famed sci-fi writer Richard Matheson wrote the script and while he still gets credit, Carl Gottlieb, who revised the scripts for the first two films, also gets screenplay credit along with a guy named Guerdon Trueblood for the story. The director ended up being Joe Alves, the production designer on the first two films. This is the only film he's ever directed and when you see it, it's not hard to understand why. Matheson himself hates the finished film and even blasted Alves, saying he's a good art director but can't direct to save his life. I can't help but agree with Mr. Matheson.

Remember back in my Jaws 2 review when I said that even though I like that film, there's no tension whatsoever. That principle holds true for this one as well, only it's ten times worse. Not only is this movie not scary in the slightest but I've always found it to be kind of dull. You'd think a movie about a gigantic shark terrorizing SeaWorld would make for a hokey but entertaining monster movie. Sadly, no. Except for a fair sequence where the mother shark, just recently discovered, wreaks havoc on the park and injures a lot of people, none of the action sequences are interesting. When the actors are underwater interacting with the shark, it's even more boring for reasons I'll get into bottom line. So, that's the first fact that I must begin this review with: this movie is a dud.

The acting, while not the best, is decent for the most part. Dennis Quaid plays Mike Brody and he does a fairly good job at making him likable. He's a typical, blue-collar guy who's dedicated to his work as chief engineer of SeaWorld as well as keeping the tourists safe when the shark is discovered, putting himself in real danger to help the ones trapped in the undersea kingdom portion of the park. Bess Armstrong is also fairly likable as Katherine "Kay" Morgan, senior marine biologist and Mike's girlfriend. The interplay between the two of them as a couple is believable and there's even a dilemma where Mike is about to be transferred to Venezuela and Kay is not sure what to do about their relationship. Too bad it's solved so quickly and matter-of-factly that its being there in the first place was pointless to say the least. Still, I do like Kay for how dedicated she is to her job and Mike because even though he feels a bit neglected by her because of her duties, is never a jerk about it.

Simon MacCorkindale plays hunter Phillip FitzRoyce, who comes across as full of hot air and yet is kind of charming as well. Even though is gun-ho about killing the baby shark at first, he is good enough to go along with the plan of capturing and actually helps to save people when the mother shark goes on a rampage instead of just sitting around, doing nothing. His death is also the only thing part of this movie that makes me cringe in a good way. The way he gets trapped inside the shark's mouth and is eventually crushed to death (presumably by the pressure since he was far away from the teeth) is pretty nightmarish to me, made even more so by his muffled screams. I didn't care for his assistant Jack (P.H. Moriarty). The guy just came across an ass-kisser to his boss and acted like a douche to everyone else. Also, his accent is so thick that I can't understand more than half of what he's saying. When FitzRoyce doesn't surface after they finish trapping the shark inside a filtration pipe and climbs down a shaft into it and yells for him, I didn't understand anything he said. I also think he just flat-out disappeared from the film after that (if he got killed, I honestly don't remember).

Louis Gossett Jr. plays Calvin Bouchard, the manager of the park. While he's not quite as dickish as Mayor Vaughn, he's still a douchebag who only cares about making money. After Kay and FitzRoyce tranquilize the baby shark and nearly get killed in the process, all he cares about is whether the film of the event is okay. He orders the baby shark to be put in an exhibition tank without Kay's permission, resulting in its death. Also, after the mother shark is trapped inside the filtration pipe, he orders his engineers to shut the pumps down just so he won't lose any money in the process, which results in the shark being able to escape. Granted, he does seem concerned about the people trapped in the underwater tunnels and is good enough to help one of his technicians escape when the shark smashes into the control room but he does nothing to help his nephew and leaves him to be eaten. Bastard. Rounding out the cast is John Putch as the younger brother Sean Brody, who seems likable enough and the chemistry between him and Quaid is solid enough that you believe they're brothers. Like his father, he's now terrified of water because of the shark attacks in the first two films but that never goes anywhere. Finally, Lea Thompson plays Sean's water-skier girlfriend, Kelly, who's pretty spunky and fun but after she gets injured by the shark, both she and Sean disappear for the rest of the movie.

The shark effects in this film are poor. The baby shark doesn't look real and the mother shark DEFINITELY doesn't look real. There's real shark footage mixed with the model of the baby but there's no such technique used for the mother, making her believability suffer ever more. The biggest problem with the mother is that she lumbers around so slowly and has no life except when she opens her mouth and growls. As I've said before, the mechanical shark in the original did look fake a couple of times but was photographed so well that you believed it for the most part. Here, the camera holds on the shark too long and the lack of movement doesn't make her come across as anything more than what she really is: a big plastic sculpture. Also, sharks need to keep moving in order to keep oxygen flowing into their gills. This shark moves so slow that she would suffocate in less than seconds! But I haven't gotten to the worst shot of the shark in the entire film. After Mike and Kay finish repairing the underwater tunnels, they see the shark swimming towards them through the window in the control room. It looks as if someone took a still photograph of the shark and moved it slowly towards the camera because there's no fine movements, no tail movements, no breathing, nothing! The effect of the shark smashing through the window is even worse. That is just inexcusable for a movie that had a fairly good sized budget at the time of $18 million.

The 3-D effects are the worst aspect of the movie for me, even though I can't see them. Granted, I don't have the 3-D version of Friday the 13th Part 3 either but in that film, the 3-D is so simple, with objects mainly just coming close to the camera, that it doesn't bother me. Here, there are so many bad optical and matte effects with the underwater 3-D stuff that it's just nauseating. When Mike and Kay are investigating the lagoon in a little mini-sub, there are painfully obvious moments where the edge of the sub becomes transparent. The dismembered fish-head and arm that float towards the screen also look hokey and the shark's death is ruined by her jawbones flying towards the screen and just floating there after she's destroyed. I also think the film itself just looks bad. I don't know if it's the 3-D cameras they used or what but the film, especially the underwater scenes, just looks murky and ugly. (Funny thing about the 3-D opening titles. in the VHS releases of the film, the titles were replaced with generic, flat red titles and the 3-D ones didn't appear again until the DVD release.)

Another subplot in the film has to do with the two dolphins, Cindy and Sandy, who instantly sense the shark's presence at the beginning of the film. They pop up time and time again throughout the film, I guess trying to warn people about the shark. Honestly, they come across as just annoying. There's an instance where the shark seems to eat one of them (which should have happened), leading to the ending scene where Mike and Kay call for them after the shark's destroyed. It looks like Cindy made it but Sandy didn't... until she jumps out of the water, with Kay cheering. The last shot is a corny still of both actors framed in-between the jumping dolphins, with Kay yelling "All right!" Yeah, some people got killed but as long as the dolphins are okay, everything's just dandy! I so don't care about those damn dolphins.

The music for the movie is bad because it's so repetitive. John Williams had no involvement with this film and the music was instead scored by Alan Parker. The shark theme is, of course, part of the music but most of it is really generic music that seems to loop again and again. The theme that plays over the ending credits, as well as throughout the movie, drives me especially bonkers because it's so unoriginal and, as I said, loops. So bad.

Jaws 3 is the epitome of boring to me. Despite some fair acting, the movie is dragged down by an unconvincing shark, piss-poor 3-D and optical effects, unimaginative direction, and repetitive generic music. While I've seen much worse movies, this is what I call the Great White Turd, as Steven Spielberg described the troublesome mechanical shark in the original movie. This is a movie I only watch if I'm really (and I mean REALLY) desperate for something to watch and even then it's far from my first choice.